Scarlott Letters

Just some stuff I find funny…


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6th Annual Let’s-Get-Thrown-Off-of-Another-Island Booze Cruise & Beer Bust

We are just 23 short days away from the kind of happiness that can only come from sittingIMG_9244 on the beach with a drink that contains a tiny umbrella. That is a special kind of happy right there. The fact we get to do it on Grand Cayman, in a five master suite villa, with a great group of friends is the whipped cream on the pina colada of life.

Joe is a CPA and every year, as soon as tax season is in the books, we take off with four other couples for sun, sand, turquoise water, rum and laughter. I won’t say Joe is strung tight by the end of tax season, but if he were a guitar, there wouldn’t be any strings left to play. He can’t wait to get away. We skipped one year and you wouldn’t believe how many times I heard about that for the next twelve months. You would have thought I had personally sucked all the joy out of the world. Henceforth, our children are on notice that no grandchildren will be conceived where the due date might possibly fall in the last half of April. July is going to be a long slow month for them.

pic7This year April 15th falls on Friday. How great is that? We can leave the very next day! Tickets are booked and paid for, houses and cars are rented, deposits are made, all predicated on the end of tax season…not just for us, but for 10 people. Everything’s a go. Imagine Joe’s surprise to discover that this year’s tax deadline is actually Monday, April 18th. Why you ask? Because Emancipation Day will be celebrated in Washington DC, the only place where it is a holiday, on Friday. Oops! I guess there will be a few more people getting extensions this year.pic5

Julia has gone above and beyond again in finding us a top notch house, Ocean Kai, right on the beach. Take a look at the pictures on this page and you’ll say to yourself, “That does not suck.” This will be our first trip to the Caymans and hopefully, our reputation has not preceded us. Our friends Dave & Judy could not make it this year because they are going to Italy instead. Bums. So, we have a couple of virgins joining us this year, Keith and Cheryl Sawyer. So that they will be properly indoctrinated, this seemed like a good time to review the rules. The Ten Commandments was already taken, so I’ll just call them the Ten Suggestions (if you know what’s good for you). Yes, we have rules. You can’t unleash 10 Texans on an island willy nilly. There are some new ones, so listen up Sawyers, Kulbeths, Holcombs and Wards.

Rule #1 – Cursing is not only allowed, it is encouraged. There are only a couple of words that would earn you gasps and dirty looks…and don’t pretend you don’t know what they are. “Gosh”, “darn” and “shoot” are not acceptable and might get you bitch slapped, Tres.

pic9Rule #2 – Drinking alcohol is mandatory, however, you may only drink as long as you can stay upright. Drinking many different types of alcohol on the same day is perfectly acceptable. Any resulting embarrassing incidents will be recorded and immediately uploaded to Facebook. I am the sole judge of what is deemed Facebook-worthy…and I can guarantee nothing I do will make the cut, which was proven by last year’s trip to the Soggy Dollar. I cannot make the same guarantee for the rest of you, however, this is where Rule #9 might come in handy. Just sayin’.

Rule #3 – Smoking cigars is acceptable…anything else and ‘I’ve never seen him before in my life, officer.’

Rule #4 – Men will not be required to wear a man-thong, banana hammock, mankini, or Speedo but will get extra attention and favors from the ladies if they are so inclined. There might even be a few bucks in it for them if dancing, a stage and a pole are involved. However, I’ve seen you guys and I wouldn’t plan on paying for the trip that way.

Rule #5 – Nudity is NOT encouraged, Tres. Good grief, we’re all in our fifties. Nobody wants to see that.

Rule #6 – Music from The Midnight Special will be limited to no more than four hours a day. Anything by the Bee Gees or Milli Vanilli will get your iPod privileges revoked. Abba will find you skating on thin ice.

Rule #7 – Martha ‘effing Stewart, as we affectionately call Gina, runs the kitchen. Stay out of her way and you will be well rewarded.

Rule #8 – The Internet will work at all times, otherwise, your friendly blogger becomes very, VERY surly. This is non-negotiable.pic10

Rule #9 – Bribes are accepted, even expected, by the aforementioned blogger. If you need an incentive, remember that I can paint you in any light I wish.

Rule #10 – We must do all in our power to have a good time and to come back to Texas as friends. If this is not possible, you are responsible for burying the bodies on your own.

For you poor saps souls left at home, mark your calendars. My travel blog starts in 23 days. You can find it on my Facebook page, Twitter or by subscribing to this blog. See you on the flip side.