Scarlott Letters

Just some stuff I find funny…


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Rebuttals and epilouges…

I told the group I would be happy to print any rebuttals to my blog and here’s what I got…

Tres: It wasn’t me.
Dave: It wasn’t me.
Kirk: It wasn’t me.
Eddie: It wasn’t me.
Joe: It wasn’t me.

And finally, Eddie wrote a poem and it seems a fitting epilouge to the trip to me:

Rednecks Visit BVI

The group told Denise & I how great it would be
We saw last year’s video, and it wasn’t hard to see
The countdown started months ago
And now we are here, and each of them has said, “we told you so”

Day one was a wreck for me
Check out the blog, the photos, and you will agree
With Red Stripes, Pain Killers, and other special drinks
Then Kirk asking us all, what do you think?
After exploring the most hidden encounters of our past
We had a great dinner, thanks to our Redneck cast

Day two was eventful for the entire crew
There was Willie T’s, a pirate ship with special brew
When we arrived the place was very quite
Not knowing these Rednecks were going to start a riot
Breast were licked for a tattoo of wonder
And our ladies enjoyed the hot guys from down under
Men jumping from the upper deck, bearing all
And our ladies flirting and almost starting a brawl
Pain Killers gave us the courage to do the mentioned above
But the best was Kirk licking whip cream off of Julie, his love
So off to the Soggy Dollar we sail
I’m just praying, we have enough funds for our bail
The beach was great and more PainKillers wouldn’t be a sin
There were others who saw our group and wanted to join in
All the Rednecks looked great on the sandy beach kicked back in their chair
And Denise, hustled by a 3rd grader, I told the kid “picking on her just isn’t fair”

Day three was Kirk and Julie’s special moment
It was the wedding at sunset, which was a beautiful event
Julie with a flower perched over her ear
This was The Redneck’s, wedding of the year
I would describe this glorious occasion, but not knowing where to start
After Kirk’s speech, we all know, this man has a heart
With all the Rednecks showered and dressed
I will let the photos describe the rest
To Jolly Rogers the Rednecks ascended
I’m just hoping on one has been offended

Day four was an adventure in the Park
Local wilderness and trees with some unusual bark
After the hike it was time to visit Jim the Bartender
Shortly thereafter it was Tres’s fender bender
Off to the Rum Distillery to visit the NASCAR fans
Again Denise hustled by a youngster flashing sign language with his hands
Back to the villa in the evening we arrived
A great dinner, a drink, then to the pool for today’s final dive

Day five started like the rest
It was breakfast via our request
Then off to meet Brenda and Ray
We were headed for another wonderful BVI day
Sailing to St. John’s the Rednecks went
Lying ahead was going to be an unforgettable event
From Margarita Phil’s to the Beach Bar we started The Redneck Bar Crawl
Then it was Woody’s and Barefoot Cowboys and drinks for all
Again back to the villa we flew
Until late in the evening our friendship grew

I hate to, but it’s time to bring this to an end
God has blessed Denise and I with some new fabulous friends
Thanks Eddie and Denise

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Champagne, tacos and toilets…

Tuesday was our last full day on the island. 😦 When I went in to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee this morning, I noticed that Gloria was listening to Christian music. I’m not sure but I think she might be planning an exorcism for us. In any case, we had fresh fruit and eggs benedict for breakfast, which was heavenly, so maybe that was her inspiration as opposed to exorcism.

Most of us just laid back and chilled, but Tres (there’s trouble already), Gina and Julie went out for one last day of boating. I tried to get one of them to guest blog about their adventures, but that must have seemed too much like work because there weren’t any takers. If I were to guess, I’d say drinking, drinking and more drinking…although there is a picture of one of the men, (which if you’ve been paying attention shouldn’t be too hard to figure out) sitting bare-assed on a toilet on top of a rock out in the open. You know there’s got to be a story there somewhere.

The rest of us stayed at the house, went down the mountain to Sopher’s Hole, by car this time, for lunch and last minute gift-buying. Now that I think about it, our schedule throughout the trip has been, chill, party, chill, party. We’re back on chill today…except for the three boaters who didn’t get the memo. Both ways are great for spending a day in the BVI. In fact, when I think about it, there’s not a bad way to spend the day here.

Our sailboat master captain, Risky Ray, and his lovely wife invited us to meet them at the BVI Royal Yacht club for cocktails and Taco Tuesday. Something about the words “Royal Yacht Club, and “tacos” just doesn’t seem like they should ever go together in the same sentence, but the tacos were, in fact, quite good. The salsa didn’t lose anything in the translation either because it would burn the lips right off your face. It may have been the first time I’ve had real French champagne with tacos, but it won’t be the last. Thanks again to our great hosts and new friends! You guys rock!

Back at the house, it was time for one last stogie and drink around the patio table. I actually made up a new drink: a shot each of XO Patron, Bailey’s, coconut cream brandy, half and half, and coke. I call it yum-in-a-glass. We reminisced about what a great trip it’s been. To our traveling buddies, Dave and Judy, who didn’t make it this time around, you can see from the picture below that we missed you guys…better start planning for next year.

Our ride back to the airport Wednesday morning was at the house to pick us up at 5:30 a.m., or 4:30 Texas time. Whipping around those tight curves and speed bumps by early morning light was better than a ride on the mechanical bull at Billy Bob’s. Gina and Denise were a little green by the time we arrived at the airport, where Tres was practically strip searched again. He needs to quit winking at those TSA agents.

If you ever get the opportunity to fly first class, do that. It doesn’t suck. I don’t know what was happening back in coach, but up front, not only did we have nuts, but warmed nuts…and not just those crappy peanuts, but almonds and cashews…and warmed moist hand towels…and your choice of chicken or stuffed manicotti with salad that had artichoke hearts, capers and kalamati olives and sourdough rolls, and wine…with real cloth napkins and a little tablecloth…and fresh baked oatmeal cranberry cookies. Yessiree, it does not suck. Wheels down in Dallas and it will be back to reality, so I’m just going to wrap up with my little pillow and blanket and enjoy these last couple of hours of bliss.

Thanks for following the blog and our little group of miscreants. I hope you enjoyed it. I know we did.

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99 bottles of beer on the wall…

What a day! We woke up to the news that Osama Bin Ladin is dead and the day just got better from there. Kirk and Julie wanted a day to themselves (silly newlyweds), but the rest of us headed out for a day of sailing. A couple from Wichita Falls that lives here now invited us to go out on their boat (a four bedroom catamaran) for the day and it was extra awesome. We owe them an extra special thank you! Sailing is so much different than power boating. Peaceful and quiet. There’s quite an art to sailing, like watching an intricate ballet.

We went over to St. John, did a little shopping and a LOT of drinking. Lord, protect me from drunks and idiots, or essentially everyone in our group. We did a bar crawl…six bars, plus the one on the boat. All I can say is OMG…margaritas, rum and coke, whiskey and coke, painkillers, bushwhackers, jalapeño tequila shots, beer, rum punch, cranberry vodka, strawberry daiquiris and some kind of liquor that’s illegal in 14 countries, but apparently perfectly fine in international waters. The drinks are strong because, as one of the waitresses explained, alcohol is cheaper than mixers. One of the places we went was a bar/consignment shop. Odd combination. The bar was owned by a guy from Clyde, Texas of all places, and was, as you might expect, where we got the jalapeño infused tequila.

There is one member of our group who just cannot seem to keep his drawers on. He jumped in to swim sans pants…AGAIN. I won’t name names but his initials are T(res) W(ard). I have a whole new respect for what Julia endures on a daily basis.

We brought our sailboat hosts back to the house where we had a dinner of fajita tacos and the drinking continued with Little Guinness’s and Glenlivet scotch. Putting all that alcohol down in writing makes us seem like a bunch of lushes. Okay, point taken. Joe says you can actually “drink yourself sober” which I think we accomplished today…well, except for Dave who never made it quite sober. A whole day of firsts for me, and what a great day it was!

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Take a hike…

I. Can. Not. Move. I now have buns of steel from the knots I developed by walking to Sofer’s Hole and back yesterday. Most of the group decided to go hiking after breakfast at Cane Garden Bay, where the trails and switchbacks are even steeper than here at the house. According to Mackie, one of the caretakers, if you turn right you go up the trail and if you turn left you go drinking at the beach bar. My response about doing either was “not only no, but hell no.” Those who know me will not be surprised.

The Kulbeths, Joe and and I stayed at the house and just relaxed by the pool. I felt pretty smug about being smart enough to stay at this great house and just chill…fortuitous as it turns out.

The next part of the blog will be provided by our guest blogger, Eddie Holcomb, who went on the hike:

“Sixty percent of the Rednecks headed out for a hike at the National Park here at the BVI. Half way down the trail, I was wondering why in the H E double L, I’m not back at the Villa with the intelligent forty percent of the group. But things smoothed out and the weather was perfect for the hike in the wilderness. We were able to check out the different types of trees, the rain forest, and enjoyed a unique view point of the BVI from the peak of the island.

After an hour and a half on the trail, and a good workout the six of us were looking for the lone employee at the park. Let’s call him “Jim the bartender”. We set back and allowed the cold “mood altering” drink to adjust our attitudes. Then we agreed that this was a fine adventure.

Before we left the park. Jim “the bartender “suggested, that we take a class in BVI bar-tending. The Rednecks are now certified Bartenders in the BVI. Please see the below photo. Certificates to follow.

But like all other days in the BVI here is the rest of the story. The Rednecks wanted to check out the local Rum Distillery. When we pulled up “Lo and Behold” it was Tony Stewart in his NASCAR Home Depot #20 car. What a great time we had with our fellow NASCAR fans. Please check out the below photo.

If that’s not enough for one day, then I will finish with this. Loaded in the car, Tres driving, and headed back to the villa. We had a little fender bender. Thanks to man upstairs I wasn’t driving. Thanks to Tres we did get back safe and sound. Again check out the below photo.

It would be great if Sherree allows me to finish this entry to her blog by saying the men went the last two days without flashing their private parts in public. Keep up the good work guys.”

After reading about the adventures of the hiking group, do I feel left out or upset that I didn’t get to go? No, I do not.

Before dinner, Dave and Joe took on Gina (and later Kirk) and I in a game of Spades. Suckers! Joe and I had never really played cards before and he didn’t have any idea I was such a card shark. It wasn’t even really a game. We beat them like a drum and made them cry like little girls. Joe also says I’m a terrible winner.

Dinner was what Gina and I called Drunk Pork. It was something we just kind of made up with the main ingredient being rum. How can you go wrong with that? We added baked potatoes, salad and broccoli. It was exceedingly tasty and probably can’t be duplicated since we didn’t have a recipe.

As it turns out, there might be another guest blogger in the near future. All i can say, its not as easy as it looks so be careful what you wish for. Stay tuned.

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Happily ever after…

After another great breakfast, someone (who is no longer my friend) had the bright idea that we should walk down to the marina and shops at Sofer’s Hole which is probably a quarter mile down the mountain, straight down, but a significantly longer jaunt if you actually want to stay on the road. I thought going down the steep inclines would be a breeze…as it turned out, really not so much. It is so steep, it was really difficult to keep your footing. Wearing slick-soled flat sandals was probably not a good choice and my second mistake, the first was agreeing to this foolhardy plan. My butt and calves were screaming to the point I couldn’t even enjoy shopping, a first for me and not something I want to repeat, because i didn’t want to carry any extra weight, no matter how inconsequential, back up that hill. We seriously considered calling a taxi to get us back up to the top, but Tres and Kirk were running the damn thing so how hard could it be? Turns out, pretty damn hard. It was step, stop, rest…step, stop, rest…rest…rest…step (dammit).

The big event of the day was, of course, Kirk and Julie’s wedding. What can I say except beautiful…the day, the sunset, the bride. The bouquet was made from flowers gathered from the grounds here at the villa. It was totally worth getting outfitted in Spanx, which is really hard to pull on when you’re hot and sweaty, just FYI. I looked pretty good in my dress, but underneath it was like a sausage in a casing or a can of biscuits ready to explode at the slightest touch.

Joan and Mario, friends we met last year, even came over from Virgin Gorda for the occasion. In all seriousness, it was an exceptionally lovely and touching wedding and a happy day…just look that those beaming smiles on the bride and groom. It was truly a ‘happily ever after’ moment and I was glad to be here to witness it.

After the wedding, we went over to eat at the Jolly Roger for dinner, drinks and dancing out on their dock, where the food and music were both great. Have you ever noticed that almost everyone seems to have a six-degrees-from-Kevin-Bacon kind of connection to Texas? Hudson, from Hudson and the Hoo Doo Cats, hereafter known as ‘the band’, used to live in the Austin area. Everyone either used to live in Texas or have a relative that does. Anyway, it was the perfect ending to perfect day…and no one even got naked, at least not in public.

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The good, the bad and the ugly…

Joe has a new 18-year old in his life that takes him to new heights of enlightenment. Her name is Glenlivet. He and Dave stayed up and solved the problems of the world with that sweet young thing after everyone else had long gone to bed.

I’m accustomed to places that offer a toaster, bagels and one of those dispensers where you can get Fruit Loops for breakfast. This morning we had goat cheese frittatas, ham, toast and fresh fruit. Wonderful!

Afterwards we met Captain Carl and took off for a full day on the boat. Our first stop was the Indians where Joe snorkeled for the first time. The ride over nearly beat us to death. I just closed my eyes and held on for dear life.

After the Indians, we headed to Willy T’s which is a floating bar. It’s a double decker and its claim to fame is diving off the top nude. If you read last year’s blog you know that Tres will do anything for a free tee shirt. Unfortunately, they forgot to mention that they no longer give out free tee shirts for naked diving…psych! Four out of five of our men are certifiable and dove off sans clothes…one even went twice. It happened so fast, it was just a blur. Luckily, Julia’s got the whole thing on video. The fact that one of the guys is sane actually works to everyone’s benefit by giving every guy plausible deniability. The women also got crazy. Gina got a personalized tattoo from the bartender and Kirk did a body shot off of Julie as a bachelorette party kind of thing. This whole scenario is not something I ever anticipated but it was like a car wreck…I just couldn’t look away. I don’t know, but I think the whole man-thong thing might be kind of a let down at this point.

Our next stop was Green Kay. White sandy beaches and turquoise water. We almost got close enough to walk in from the boat…but not quite. Joe and Gina towed my ass in to shore…kind of like a tugboat and barge, me being the barge. It’s always further away than it looks. I think Captain Carl was a little concerned when he discovered that I don’t swim. I wonder what gave it away.

The best stop of the day was the Soggy Dollar Bar on Jost Van Dyke. It’s one of the most famous bars in the world. There are no docks so you have to swim in…yippee!They hang the “soggy dollars” on a clothesline above the bar to dry out. They also make great painkillers. Joe looks at the webcam online almost every day of the year so he was in heaven. After the Soggy Dollar we went around the bend, figuratively and literally, to Foxy’s for dinner, which was great. Afterwards, we took off for the house, after dark, at breakneck speed. Kudos to Captain Carl for getting us back in one piece, fully clothed.

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That of which we shall not speak…

The day started early for Kirk, Julie, Tres and Julia. They met the wedding coordinator this morning and took off for Road Town early to get their marriage license. You have to be in the BVI three days before you can get married, so time is of the essence, especially since Friday is a national holiday for Will and Kate’s little shindig. Our wedding will be no less royal and a lot more fun. They are just a warm up act for us.

If we thought the house was great last night, it is spectacular in the daylight. I’ll only be posting a few photos on the blog each day, but I will set up a link to a Flickr album if you are interested in seeing more. Dave broke the morning alcohol barrier by having his first bloody mary of the day at 8:45. Last year, we tried to wait a respectable amount of time to start drinking and that time seemed to move up a little each day. Apparently, we have no pretenses this time around and anyone who wants can just start at daybreak.

Gloria is the caretaker here and cooks breakfast for us each morning. We had more of a brunch/lunch and it was fabulous. We had fresh fruits, including mango, kiwi, watermelon, cantaloupe, honeydew, pineapple and oranges, along with scrambled eggs, bacon, toast, orange juice and coffee. I could seriously get used to this!

Our first discussion at breakfast/lunch involved new and creative ways to make this trip a tax deduction. We are setting up a 501(3)(c) called the BVI (Better Voting Initiative) Fund. Our annual board meeting will be held in April in Tortola. I am now accepting checks, money orders or cash and will happily send you a receipt for your charitable donation.

Our second discussion involved coffee. If you’re tired of talking about coffee, just bear with me a second here. Dave swears the most expensive coffee in the world comes from Indonesia and is harvested from the droppings of wildcats that eat the beans. It is the coffee that Jack Nicholson is looking for in The Bucket List. My first reaction was “you’ve got to be kidding”…my second was “those have to be some hyped-up f’en wildcats!”

After the wedding group got back from license-getting, we somehow all ended up in the pool for, oh I don’t know, five or six hours. My toes and fingers have never been so wrinkled up, but I know what they’ll look like when I’m 95. We had an extended discussion about different non-profit corporations we could form. In fact, we elected officers. Tres was sleeping by the pool, so naturally he was elected President. Joe will be Treasurer and I’ll be secretary. The conversation nosedived from there and would be banned in most of the civilized world…not fit for the prison yard, much less polite society. Early in the conversation, Joe said that there was “that of which we shall not speak but that we all know to be true.” These things usually revolve around the trifecta of money, sex and alcohol, and apparently, we can speak of them. You know there’s not much that’s tabu in Sherreeland but this crossed the line even for me. This is one of those times it’s just best you don’t know, trust me on this. It was funny, just not printable.

We grossly underestimated the alcohol consumption. When we ordered 6 cases of beer, I just didn’t realized that would be a one day supply. We also drank margaritas, cranberry vodka, and painkillers. Lest you think all we do is drink, for dinner we had coffee-crusted tenderloin filets, oven roasted potatoes and broccoli for dinner and it was fabulous!

On a technical note, the iPad is a wondrous piece of machinery (go Steve Jobs) but the WordPress app leaves a lot to be desired. I won’t bore you with the technicalities but it is a laborious process to get pictures sprinkled throughout the blog, so from this point on they will be at the end where the app wants them. WordPress app 1, Sherree’ 0. I don’t want to be stressed out on my vacation.

I’ll leave you with this, apparently we will do anything as well as speak of anything because somehow the guys all ended up in the pool without their swim trunks…followed by the women high-fiving and making a pact that under no conditions would be do likewise.Tomorrow is a full day of boating, so stayed tuned.

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