In just a few short weeks our motley crew will be leaving on our annual Caribbean island trip…except without the Caribbean or the island. The Pacific coast of Costa Rica is party central for the Geritol crowd this time around. Our vagabonds include Tres & Julia Ward, Dave & Gina Kulbeth, Eddie & Denise Holcomb, Dave & Judy Shatzer, Keith & Cheryl Sawyer and Joe and me.
Because we aren’t spoiled or anything, Julia found us an exceptional house again this year, Villa Estrella, and this one just might top them all. It boasts six bedrooms, an infinity pool, billiards room and my personal favorite, a high end espresso machine. Food and drinks are included, with this group, a tactical error and sure money loser for the owner. If all that weren’t enough, there is gourmet cook for all of our meals and snacks, a driver to take us places, housekeeping and grounds staff, and best of all a bartender (oh, I hope he’s named Javiar). Yes, I can have someone bring me drinks with little umbrellas in them all day long. Would it be bad form to pack a bell to ring for refills? This is either going to be very good or very very bad. Only time wil tell. If you have a few minutes you can check out the YouTube video and hate us here: http://www.villaestrella-costarica.com/.
Each year I like to remind my fellow travelers of our mutually agreed upon rules. In reality, I just made this shit up long ago and tweak it every year.
Rule #1 – Cursing is not only allowed, it is encouraged. There are only a couple of words that would earn you gasps and dirty looks…and don’t pretend you don’t know what they are. “Gosh”, “darn” and “shoot” are not acceptable and might get you bitch slapped, Tres. If you need to brush up on your cursing skills, I’d suggest reading the political posts on Twitter.
Rule #2 – Drinking alcohol is mandatory, however, you may only drink as long as you can stay upright. Drinking many different types of alcohol on the same day is perfectly acceptable. Any resulting embarrassing incidents will be recorded and immediately uploaded to Facebook and Instagram. I am the sole judge of what is deemed Facebook-worthy…and I can guarantee nothing I do will make the cut, which was proven by my last trip to the Soggy Dollar. I cannot make the same guarantee for the rest of you, however, this is where Rule #9 might come in handy. Just sayin’.
Rule #3 – Smoking cigars is acceptable…anything else and ‘I’ve never seen him before in my life, officer.’
Rule #4 – Men will not be required to wear a man-thong, banana hammock, mankini, or Speedo but will get extra attention and favors from the ladies if they are so inclined. There might even be a few bucks in it for them if dancing, a stage and a pole are involved. However, I’ve seen you guys and I wouldn’t plan on paying for the trip that way.
Rule #5 – Per Julia, you may not play, feed or spank the monkey (I swear, this is Julia’s rule although I might have paraphrased). They become dependent and no one wants a bossy, whiney, entitled monkey. Men, especially, should bear this in mind.
Rule #6 – Under no circumstances let Joe or Dave K add a rum floater to your drink. That shit is deadly. They totally don’t understand the concept of a floater, but if you want 5″ of pure alcohol sitting on the top of your Painkiller, be my guest, but drink at your own risk. Later edit: Joe swears it was me that poured the first floater, but he’s in the middle of tax season and his memory can’t be trusted. If I did pour the first one, and I’m not saying that I did, it definitely wasn’t my idea.
Rule #7 – As was established last year, it’s Keith’s fault. If you get sunburned…it’s Keith’s fault. If you drink too much…it’s Keith’s fault. If you fall into a volcano…(now, say it with me) “it’s Keith’s fault.” You get the idea.
Rule #8 – The Internet will work at all times, otherwise, your friendly blogger becomes extremely surly. This is non-negotiable. People have witnessed bad internet service and it’s not pretty.
Rule #9 – Bribes are accepted, even expected, by the aforementioned blogger/me. If you need an incentive, remember that I can paint you in any light I wish.
Rule #10 – We must do all in our power to have a good time and to come back to Texas as friends. If this is not possible, you are responsible for burying the bodies on your own.