Scarlott Letters

Just some stuff I find funny…

4th Annual Let’s-See-If-We-Can-Get-Kicked-Off-Another-Island Tour & Beer Fest


Well, what do you know, April 15th has rolled around again, which can only mean one thing…yes, it’s time to pay your *%$#@(*#  taxes, but more importantly it’s time for a trip to the islands!  Joe and I are part of a group of five couples that trek to some remote island paradise once tax season is in the record books. This means that Joe starts out the week in an almost comatose zombie-like state after having worked approximately 170 hours per week for several weeks immediately prior to departure.  By the time we head home, he’s got a nice island buzz going, which is usually killed immediately upon walking back into the office, but that’s a discussion for another time.

While Joe has been working diligently getting everyone’s extensions filed, I have spent the past week on a mission that strikes fear into the hearts of womankind the world over…swimsuit shopping.  I have discovered that you are pretty much SOL unless you are (a) under 25, (b) under 110 pounds or (c) are flat chested, i.e. have no boobs that need wrangling.  It doesn’t seem fair that while men’s swimsuits have grown to the point they could literally be called capris, women’s suits have shrunk to the size of a napkin…a cocktail napkin.  So far, I have bought one and ordered another, at a cost that rivaled that of my wedding dress back in October.  I shit you not.  And I still don’t look like Kate Upton or even her mother.  I do however bear a striking resemblance to the Pillsbury Doughboy in spandex, or a half opened can of biscuits.  Either way, it’s not a good look. Apparently I need a bigger miracle than the “Miracle Suit” can pull off.

Our fearless travel guru, Julia, has once again outdone herself finding us a great destination and a great house.  It is a difficult job and one I don’t want anywhere near, but somehow every year she manages to  take us up a notch.  We are beyond spoiled having her plan it all for us.  We really ought to give her a break next year and let someone else do the work, but frankly, we just aren’t all that considerate.  Luckily, she loves us anyway…or maybe it’s just that she doesn’t trust any of us to come up with a place that has running water and functioning toilets.  Our past destinations have included Virgin Gorda, Tortola and Eluthera.  It’s not that we can’t go back to any of those places, but why chance it?

We leave on Saturday bound this year for Turks & Caicos and will be staying at Villa Paprika, which is on the beach, boasts a gorgeous pool and five, yes five, master suites.  Two of them even have two king-size beds.  I figure that’s perfect for the couples that think they might not like each other much by the end of the week. Turks is also a direct flight from Dallas and the house a five minute ride after landing.  I must confess that I won’t miss our usual stops in Miami or San Juan.  I can’t wait to get there and into my dreaded swimsuit.

In conclusion, I thought I would take this opportunity to remind my traveling buddies of “the rules.”  We came up with these the first year and they still apply.  They are for your own protection, so no grumbling.

Rule #1 – Cursing is not only allowed, it is required. There are only a couple of words that would earn you gasps and dirty looks…and don’t pretend you don’t know what they are. “Gosh”, “darn” and “shoot” will not be acceptable and might get you bitch slapped, Tres.
Rule #2 – Drinking alcohol is not only allowed, it is required, however, you may only drink as long as you can stay conscious.  Drinking many different types of alcohol in the same day is encouraged.
Rule #3 – Smoking cigars is acceptable…anything else and ‘I’ve never seen him before in my life, officer.’
Rule #3a – Under no circumstances can any female smoking a cigar be photographed…good grief, our kids could see that.
Rule #4 – Men will not be required to wear a man-thong but will get extra attention and favors from the ladies if they are so inclined. (I just threw that one in there for myself.)
Rule #5 – We must do all in our power to have a good time and to come back to Texas as friends. If this is not possible, you are responsible for burying the bodies on your own.
Rule #6 – Invitations to Poundtown must be made discretely so as not to offend those who may not get to town very often.
Rule #7 – Music from The Midnight Special will be limited to no more than four hours a day.  Anything by the Bee Gees will get your iPod privileges revoked.
Rule #8 – The Internet will work at all times, otherwise, your friendly blogger becomes very, VERY surly.
Rule #9 – Gratuities will be accepted, even expected, by the aforementioned blogger.  If you need an incentive, remember that I can paint you in any light I wish.

2 thoughts on “4th Annual Let’s-See-If-We-Can-Get-Kicked-Off-Another-Island Tour & Beer Fest

  1. Sherree that was a hoot!  I love the bathing suit part.  But let me kindly disagree with one thing.  We flat chested girls have a much worse deal than you.  All of the suits are made for size D and above and cut down to the waistline….in front.  I still look like I did at thirteen except that my skin is wrinkled, sagging, and resembles crepe paper.  And filler is a big problem.  Can’t use toilet paper or Kleenex in water, and I am terrified that those chicken thingies will float out.  Oh, for some natural cleavage!

    I won’t even start on the problems with the bottoms except to say I have about a two size discrepancy between top and bottom and leg veins that look like major waterways. :-/

    Hope you all have a great time.  I will be waiting eagerly on each installment of your blog!


      Cindy Walton

    >________________________________ > From: Scarlott Letters >To: >Sent: Monday, April 15, 2013 8:27 AM >Subject: [New post] 4th Annual Let’s-See-If-We-Can-Get-Kicked-Off-Another-Island Tour & Beer Fest > > > > >sscarlott posted: “Well, what do you know, April 15th has rolled around again, which can only mean one thing…yes, it’s time to pay your *%$#@(*#  taxes, but more importantly it’s time for a trip to the islands!  Joe and I are part of a group of five couples that” >

    • Cindy, I guess we each have unique vantage points on the boob issue. I can’t ever remember not having to lug them around. Come to think of it, I don’t know why I wasn’t more popular in high school…

      I wish I’d thought about the leg vein thing. Years ago my youngest daughter pointed to a roast in a small local grocery, that had one of those purple USDA stamps on the fatty side, and announced rather loudly “that looks just like Mom’s leg”. It’s a wonder she lived to tell the tale.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s